“I don’t want to do this anymore.

I am becoming stressed,

more often than I care for.

My drive seems to be fading,

as the days continue cascading.

Writing is supposed to be my escape;

and writing is what has escaped me.”

It’s been a tiring year and I am so proud of myself for pushing through it. I am not at the end yet and that is okay. I have my notebooks and I’m clearing up my mind again so that I can live how I want to, “Straight Up Honesty, No Matter The Cost”. My writing teacher is pissing me off because I get low marks for not writing to please her. I choose topics that are controversial and interesting to me because I am given that choice, but because of the viewpoint I take she gets offended and marks me down without any substantial reason as to why my score is low.

Bitch Please.

She’s asleep on my arm right now, but rather than wake her I’ll just try to quietly press these keys with one hand.

You know for a while I have been trying to come up with something to write but I couldn’t really come up with a topic, so I just chose to write about what was on my mind. Which always seemed to be this red haired beauty curled up on the floor with me.

I don’t know how to really describe what I feel towards her. She’s become my best friend, my definition of “love & independent dependence”, as well as hope. I just had given up thinking that she could exist.

Yet somehow she’s here, resting comfortably like it’s the most natural thing in the world. I never go a day without being so thankful to be her companion. She made it to me as fast as she could and she had her share of bumps along the way.

Despite all of this, two souls who both had found no need for putting themselves through the tiring terrible effort of starting a relationship, decided to start a real relationship.

But it’s shown that it won’t be easy. We’ve seen what disagreements can be like. But we make it through them because regardless of how individually focused we can be we still want to be together.

I’m happy to be me, and I’m still so happy on my own.

But ever since I met her, I haven’t felt alone.

I know, I know,

I’ve been told a thousand times before, “Take, it, slow”. Yet I just can’t do it, not completely at least. I mean it’s not like we’re going to wake up one day, run to the courthouse, get married, and not tell anyone until they’ve seen that we’re more serious about each other than they had imagined.

Although that is something we’ve talked about doing…

But, you know. Take it slow. Take it in stride and don’t miss a thing. Because in a relationship that’s this good there are memories that you want to cherish. 

Like those, “Oh so important, first’s”. The first time you saw her, the first time you heard her voice, the first time you saw her eyes light up and shine as bright as her smile, the first time you held her hand in your own, and then of course the first time you kissed…

What if that all happened on the same night though? What if you were suddenly thrown into an incredible romance that you thought was only reserved for the big screen? Would it still be possible to take it slow?

Could it be so wrong to throw yourself into it, so deeply and so intensely, to see if such a thing can truly take you on an incredible journey with a person who is so amazing that they just take your breath away every time you look into their eyes?!

Would you be able to take it slow, if you spent your nights together looking at rings and sharing things while laid out on the kitchen floor?

But we are taking it slow, as slow as we can go when the pace of our relationship has been set at a running speed.

We’ve shared in pain, and we were left with fear. Yet when were together it fades away and just holds us here.

Here, is where we are. Two people, standing with love. Not letting our heads fall down as we look to the stars above.

Because in those shimmering stars, those small balls of light; I see your eyes looking down to me and I know that you hope we just might…

Take it slow.

I’m not saying it’s uncommon to feel this strongly about someone, I’m just wanting to know that it’s really okay to do this time.

I’m falling. I don’t have a clue from what height I’ve jumped this time, but my dear, I am indeed falling at an incredible speed and I haven’t even hit terminal velocity yet.

What am I to do about this love I hold for you? You know it’s there. I’ve already told you this. But you could see it in my eyes, it’s not something you could miss. I’m just really excited to see where this takes us.

It’s the way that she lights up when she see’s me. 

It’s how she let’s me take control in those first few seconds to let out how much I missed her being there through a kiss. 

It’s how her hands wrap so intricately within my own.

It’s the way she laughs when we’re together.

It’s the way she doesn’t let there be any distance between us whenever we sit together.

It’s how she makes me want to use the word together, but keep quiet about the words “future, us, relationship, and love”.

It’s how those words that I avoid are the ones that whenever said make me think about what her and I have the potential to be.

It’s how I feel about her that has me in this even higher state of living than I normally exist in.

It’s how we’ve been open, honest, and true to each other.

It’s amazing because she alone makes me remember what it’s like to feel like you’ve made the right choices to end up in a place you didn’t expect to be.

So I had a wonderful St. Patrick’s Day yesterday. It was full of merriment, shenanigans, and green booze. But now I am home, aching all over, and attempting to round up all of the various school related work that I have to do this week. I hope everyone else had a great day too. I got quite a surprise too.

The wonderful woman who seems to have me smitten, surprised me while I was standing in line at the bars. We were supposed to have gone on a date earlier in the day but she had decided not to text me (sad I know). Her reasoning for this? She likes me, a lot, and she is scared that if she gives in I won’t be around anymore. Now my phone had died earlier in the night, after my constant checking it to see if she had messaged me, which obviously killed my battery. So when she did work up the courage to shoot me a message I had no idea.

Thankfully I had sent a message to her best friend, the girl who is responsible for introducing us, about whether or not this girl was really interested in me or if I was pursuing a dream that would never be reality.

I can’t even describe how nice it is to know that I’m not the only one who may be a little bit “head over heels” in this situation. So when this friend of my enchantress (oh yeah, I went there) called my best friend to see where we were I was happy to go see her. She then told me that the “enchantress” is at so-and-so bar waiting to leave, and that if I am really so interested I should go and say hey. But I was already on my way when she told me where this beauty was.

So I’m standing in line with my friend Mike and the next thing I know, right at my side is this, just beautiful woman. I’m standing there with a smile while she talks to her friend, and then I tap her on the shoulder. Her smile made up for the fact that I hadn’t gotten to see her earlier that day. 

Can express herself, her soul, through her music. Taking her to a live show of her favorite group could make your understanding of her feel more complete as you gaze upon her dancing… Eyes closed… Movement coming from another dimension. Her dimension. You’re watching her walls crumble as she accepts you into this world of her making. You’ve been invited to fall in love.

You can see it in her eyes….

Follow the music.

I find myself wondering what your lips against mine would feel like. I’ve often dreamt of having one of those moments where mid-sentence, when your wiping your hair from you face, I just come in and kiss you. It doesn’t have to be forceful, it would just be a passion filled, slow, only this moment matters kiss.

It would really be nice to have someone I was writing this about.

Since this is my second time writing this and it’s not as good as the first I’m just going to start here (and I’ll be honest, if it pisses you off go ahead and stop reading, I have no desire to fight with anyone about what I say on here. If you like it then thanks for reading): 

I seem to be in the “Eternal Struggle” of the “Nice Guy”. I’m easy to talk to. I enjoy spending time with the women in my life. I romance the thought of relationships far more than any other person I’ve ever met before. But through it all…

That damn friend-zone haunts my reality. I’ve been fortunate enough to have some of the most amazing and beautiful women in my life and I’m truly happy about that. At least until I have to hear the phrase, “All guys are assholes. But you know I don’t mean you though”.

I feel like an appropriate response to that is, “Thanks for letting me not be grouped into that category. What if I took you out sometime, you know, for a date?”. But I can already see the response to that, “You’re more of a friend”.

What makes your friends non-date worthy? Why is it that someone who truly cares for you, enjoys being with you, is always there for you, is not someone you want to be with? If you’re not attracted to them or their not your type then that is a fair answer. But saying that you don’t see them that way? Why not?

Because I don’t want to lose the friendship that we have. I hate that answer. If I’m willing to put this deep connection we’ve made over the years on the line, do you really think that I don’t believe that this can work. Of course it could fall out, of course there could be that non-happy ending, of course things could change. But regardless of if we date or not, all of those things are likely to happen. It’s just the lack of logic that seems to go with that statement is hurtful. This is someone who cares about you. Someone whose made your happiness their goal for so long, and you can’t at least give him a shot at making you happy in a relationship? 

Now I’ve heard it all before, “You’re too nice”, “You should be less accessible”, “You shouldn’t care so much”. But you are aware of what happens when I take your advice right? “I don’t like what you’re becoming, you used to be one of the sweet guys”.

This whole friend zoning thing is what turns nice guys into assholes in the first place. It’s terrible when you put yourself out there to someone you’ve been there for, for years, and to have them give you an answer that tells you no because of that very reason. The best way to get someone is to not care about them? What kind of logic is that? Love isn’t a mystery, and it’s no game. It’s a chance that you hear so many people often say they want to take, yet so few do.

Now I’m honestly far from saying that I haven’t done the same thing. But I’ve made the effort to give the truth to those people. 

Being the “nice guy” isn’t something I’m trying to be. I’m just being me. You see me as the nice guy, trust me there are girls who see me as an ass. But I enjoy taking you out, I enjoy being respectful to you, I enjoy introducing you to my family, I enjoy treating your family as my own, I love those stupid moments we have, I enjoy not fighting with you, I’ll treat you with the best care I can.

I guess I’m just saying that if their not you’re type or you’re not interested then by all means let them know. But when a guy friend is willing to put himself out there to you, the least you could do is not write him off because he’s been there for you through a lot.

P.S. Don’t say you don’t want to put him through anymore of your drama. He knows your drama, if he’s still making an effort to be with you then he is sure he can handle it.

(The first one was so much better…)